Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Practically Fool-Proof DIY Blood Transfusion

Rule #1 before starting your at-home blood transfusion is to realize that it’s easy to get the blood out, the real challenge that tends to send people to the emergency room with small complications like Ricco’s septic shock and kidney failure is putting it back in.  That said, with this almost fool proof technique, there’s no doubt anyone, even you or I, could DIY a blood transfusion.  Just answer these simple questions to see if you’re qualified:

1) Can you operate a band aid? 

2) Does a half gallon of tomato juice in your fridge remind you of only a half gallon of tomato juice and nothing else, not even a scene from the movie Saw 6? 

3)Do you always remember to shut the refrigerator door? 

If you answered yes to these questions, then you too can easily increase your body’s ability to carry oxygen and boost your on the bike performance by performing your very own at home blood transfusion in your kitchen with the following household supplies and three easy peasy fool-proof steps.

1 sharpened stainless steel spoke
Bottle of 151 proof rum
1 set of barbecue tongs
1 bottle of window cleaner
1 roll of paper towel
Large water bottle
1 lube free latex condom
2 Quart pot filled with water
1 Bicycle
1 Trainer
3 sets of latex gloves
2 thick rubber bands from bunches of broccoli
1 reliable refrigerator where you can locate the temperature control
1 oversized syringe & needle paid for with cash at your local pharmacy (throw away receipt)
2 Bulging veins
1 black marker
1 postie note

Step 1: Get the Blood Out
Bring your bike and trainer up into the kitchen.   Put your pets outside in in another room till you’ve cleaned up.  Ya don’t want pet hair or dander getting in “the good stuff.”  Clean your countertops with window cleaner.  As seen in the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” it is rumored to kill most bacteria and cure many ailments.  Arrange the sharpened steel spoke, bottle of rum, condom, and rubber bands on the counter top.  Start by boiling your water bottle for 10 minutes in the 2 quart pot to sterilize it.  While it’s boiling, hit the trainer and bust out a few hard 1-min on 1-min off intervals.  When finished spinning, using latex gloves and a set of tongs, fish your water bottle out of the pot and set it on the counter with the top open.  Sterilize the spoke with the rum.  Quickly find a bulging vein in your arm or forehead or wherever one’s sticking out.  Jab it with the spoke and let the blood drizzle filling the bottle.  When it’s close to full, take a rubber band and run it up your arm to slow the blood flow.  If you used your temporal vein, put the rubber band around your forehead.  Use a paper towel to apply pressure and sop up the wound.  Once the nastiness is over, cover wound with band aid.

Step 2: Store the Blood
Now, cover the water bottle with the sterile condom and another rubber band.  Stick it in the fridge.  Label it with a sticker that’ll help you identify it and keep others from using it.  I usually call mine tomato juice, nobody in my household likes that stuff and it’ll never get touched.  Set the temperature control to between 4 and 6 degrees Celsius, from what I hear that’s the best temp range to store blood.  If you need to convert that to Fahrenheit, it’s just around 10 degrees above freezing, give or take.  It’s your your own blood, no need to sweat a degree or two.  What’s the worst that could happen?  Close the door and let it chill for 25 days, the approximate time it takes for your body to replace the lost blood.  I’m certain nothing could possibly contaminate it.  Heck, tomatoes last in the fridge for days.  Certainly human blood will keep for much longer than say american cheese or juicy Spanish steaks.  When you’re satisfied with your storage, go lie down and watch Sports Center while you rest.

Step 3: Give Yourself More Blood
When it’s time to get pumped up for your big event, get back on the trainer and find a vein again.  This time when you’re done, put on a set of latex gloves, use the oversized syringe and draw a syringe full of “the good stuff” from the water bottle in the fridge.  If the blood looks like chocolate syrup, don’t worry that’s probably normal.  Heck avocados turn brown on the outside, but they taste just fine when mashed up in guacamole.  Put the needle in the vein and inject the whole thing.  Repeat, using a clean needle each time, till all the blood is back in your body.  Oop.  Maybe I forgot to mention to get more than one needle.  Yep, should’ve been needles with an “s.” My bad.  No worries.  If you only have one, use the bottle of rum to sterilize the needle before reinjecting it.  Clean up, put on another band aid and go out there and kick some ass champ.


nickleonard said...

i thought i could do this until i read your post. making me cringe. maybe i do have a fear of needles or maybe its just the spoke jaming action. you did forget one important step though. you have to hold the tomato juice bottle out as far as you can reach in front of you. then spin in circles until you almost pass out from being dizzy. Then just inject the good layer of blood. don't worry if your to dizzy. just jab a few times until you hit the vein.

Joe Biker said...

coming next week: the do it yourself centrifuge using a food processor!