Sound the sirens! Type the twitters! Inside People listen up! This is not an EAS test. It’s not a rogue wave on the Ohio, but the Athleticometeorologists at The Best Bike Blog Ever Institute for Outdoor Recreation have issued an Inland Tsunami Warning from sunrise on Saturday March 6th through sunset on Sunday March 7th for the Greater Cincinnati area and points south. With air temperatures forecast to be nearly 20 degrees warmer than what residents have experienced in the past month, the roads and sidewalks and bike paths of Cincinnati will certainly flood this weekend with a big ass wave of recreationalists. Oh the humanity! Since it may take a long time for those with more girth than most to get the hell out of the way, smokers and those otherwise unfit should start slogging their way to higher ground immediately, or at least away from public areas and thoroughfares. Those prone to get irate with runners running against traffic in the street or who bang their steering wheels and can’t control their middle finger when cyclists ride two abreast on the road should take a double dose of chill pills right now. Residents and travelers of roads such as Riverside, Route 8, Route 10, Round Bottom or any secondary road that starts with a number and ends in the word mile, (for example: 5 Mile) should be on notice for an annoying amount of bicycle and foot traffic. Roads that combine the names of two adorable rural towns (such as Loveland-Madeira) should also be avoided. Drivers are also advised to avoid scenic routes and roads with covered bridges and instead travel roads that normally have the most amounts of cars and highest speed limits. Routes that begin with the letter “I” followed by a number (like I-75) are highly recommended. Additionally, vehicular travel on any road that contains the true to life descriptives of creek, lane, hill, old or shady in its name will likely be impeded. Lastly, pretty much, attempting to drive on any road in the beautiful community of Indian Hill should probably be avoided all together.
At this time, as a community service to those that may be considered “inside people,” The Best Bike Blog Ever would like to offer a blanket advance apology for the amount of what you would call “idiots” on the roads and sidewalks and bike paths this weekend. A mile is 5280 feet, and no doubt on average you’ll encounter at least 5281 idiots per mile. These so called idiots will likely include: runners, walkers, skateboarders, cyclists, dog-walkers and that one guy in town who has figured out how to combine all of the aforementioned outdoor activities into one with his urban dog sled. Those near neighborhood parks should be on the lookout for the errant Frisbee or over zealous unleashed pooch. To avoid the idiots, Inside People are advised right now to stock up with plenty of smokes, butter, salt, cheesy poofs, shortening, Lil Kings, and gasoline at your local Krogers (the “s” added on purpose) before sunrise on Saturday, March 5th. Once again, this Inland Tsunami warning for The Greater Cincinnati area, and other areas south expected to experience temperatures at least 20 degrees warmer than the past few weeks, will expire at sunset on Sunday March 6th. Thank you for your cooperation.