Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Perma Funkadelic

While "Out Of True" is under construction becoming the Best Bike Blog ever, here's a timeless classic: PERMA FUNKADELIC

Your friends won’t tell you, but I will, you stink. My high school gym teacher bestowed that wisdom upon me when he reminded us after class to take our stinking school issued shorts and shirts home for mom to wash over the weekend. Apparently some of your gym teachers and mothers let you down. If you’re a cyclist, who I assume you are, for Pete’s sake, wash your stinking kit after you ride. Every time! Damn man, woman, you’re killing us back here on your wheel. You stink. And, while you’re at it, just in case, wipe down that leather saddle too. There, I said it. Either your clothes or your saddle has the perma funk. Both need to be washed today.

I’ve heard reports out there, and I’ve been behind a foul behind a time or two myself this year. I’m not naming names, and the timeliness of this blog has nothing to do with it. The people I rode with over the last week are off the hook. However, there’s a few of you cyclists in Cincinnati that think they can wear their shorts and jersey for more than one ride on a washing. You can’t. You smell. Bad. This must stop. Don’t think because you’re a girl that you’re off the hook. Not so quick missy. Pretty flowers on a jersey don’t mask the stank. The time to wash is neigh. People are starting to talk. There’s a reason why people keep leaving gaps behind your wheel.

Cyclists come from all kinds of backgrounds and financial situations. I understand that I’m blessed to have a washing machine and a laundry room at the ready when I roll back home after a ride. I understand that not everyone can afford to have two or more cycling outfits. Here’s a secret that I’ve used on many a vacation, where I could only pack one kit and had no hotel laundry. Soap and water! It’s brilliant. Use it on your fine leather saddle and your chamois. Any cave dweller can do it.

Locate a nearby sink. If you can’t find one, locate a bucket, bowl, or pothole. Camping? Put a plastic bag in your helmet for a makeshift sink. Fill the reservoir with water. Put some soap in there. Any soap will do, laundry detergent, dish soap, hand soap, bar soap, allthesame. Don’t be stingy. Swash it around a bit and mix the soap with the water. Toss your tainted taint protectors in there. Swash it around a bit more. Get the soapy water all mixed in real good. Drain the soapy water. Fill the bowl or bucket with water again. Rinse the soap out of your clothes. Wring them out. Hang them to dry on a shower rod, clothes hanger, luggage hook in your car or nearby tree. A jersey, short and two socks takes 4 minutes tops. Consider it a good core workout.

Now if your clothes have the super mega mega ultra death funk on them…yeah, you know what I’m taking about, it’s called perma funk. It’s not the latest slap-bass boogie album from Bootsy Collins. It’s the funk that doesn’t go away no matter how much you wash your clothes. Not sure? Do yourself and friends a favor go through ALL your cycling clothes and smell them. If they are what you call “clean,” but still have an odor to them, they got the funk. This usually happens to the jersey you love but refuse to part with because it’s still in good shape. You have two choices. Toss them or try this last resort. If the fabric on the butt is worn out, where riders behind you can see the Grand Canyon and surrounding shrubbery, for goodness sake throw them away. They are done. Even this lastresort cannot save them. Congratulations, you rode hard and long enough to actually wear out a pair of shorts. It happens. If the threads are in good shape, the fabric isn’t worn so thin that your junk is playing peek-a-boo, the chamois is still holding up to the beating from your big smelly ass, and there isn’t a picture of a giant googly eyed tree frog on them, then, and only then, there might be a chance you can save them with
Sport Wash. Otherwise, throw away your sweat stained stanky skinsuit.

Sport Wash? What is this? Ah ha. Let me enlighten you o’stinky one. Sport Wash is made by Penguin. It is specifically designed to get the most heinous stench out of workout clothes. Buy yourself a bottle. You’ll find it at your local bike shop, running store, or outdoor store. It's a little pricey, but costs far less than a new pair of shorts or the humiliation of someone actually telling you face-to-face in front of all your riding buddies that you stink. I am not getting any kickbacks for this advertising. I am not doing this for your sake. I am doing this because I can’t stand to ride behind stinky people. Here’s a link, buy some of this crap, wash your soiled chamois in it or be destined to a life of solo riding. Your choice.

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